O.M.G

Woke up as usual this morning and rushed through my morning chores,skipped breakfast cos I don't wanna be late,jumped the staircase for I had no patience to walk down the staircase....got into my car without checking theoil gauge nor radiator,zoomed off without steaming d engine,no tym man...doin like 120 kilometre per hour,ran tru d traFfic light cos I can't afford to be late,Yo! This is fast and furious 7.. finallt there,honking  @ gate like I'm d devil..gate opens...zooms in.......and........ ? Where is everybody? Aint we suppose to have Mas 709 now?
Where is Mr Akinreti? *Turning around*Sulaiman?Adu?Eyitayo?Asiwaju,Pastor,Ebere?Stowe?Fatoki?Mrs Salis ati mumsy Nadia nko,? I felt someone tap ma shoulder n I turn around............Oga School don vacate na, the gateman said!!! OMG

whats your BB pin?

"What's your BB pin?" she asked conceitedly, raising her Blackberry screen-glazed eyes; her fake Yankee accent was drowned by rancorous voices and the din of heavy metal music blaring from the hi-fi speakers of the nightclub in the heart of Victoria Island. I could barely hear her. Just as I could not make any sense out of our conversation in the entire time we spent together that evening. To add to my confusion, as I reflected on my experience that night, it is difficult now to tell if my inability to understand my young female guest was due to her contrived foreign accent or the frequent interruptions from her Black Berry phone.

Her obsessive romance with her phone, which repeatedly came in the way of our acquaintance, can be likened to having a conversation with the deaf. So I had proceeded to ignore this new question; one of the many she had asked, while she took intermittent pauses, with the usual vacant look, from her dialogue with her imaginary phone character who was intent on ruining my evening. I was going to treat it like a rhetorical question, but leaning close to me, she asked the question again, insisting on an answer and throwing me off balance for a moment.

My response was quick and brusque, "I don't use a Blackberry" Almost immediately, I saw the shock in her eyes? Her unspoken expression was; how could you not have a Blackberry in this age and time? Then she seemed to switch off completely. Her expression became distant as she now looked past me, as if addressing a phantom each time we managed to find something to talk about. I was amused by it all. I had met the restless 20-something university belle some hours earlier in the company of my young cousin. We ended up in one of those clubs on the island where you will have to spend some nervous moments scrutinising the menu.

I was immediately struck by her almost compulsive attraction to her BB phone. All through our conversation, she stayed glued to it, her fingers tapping furiously at the tiny buttons on the keypad. She was a sight to behold and her addiction, her passion, became a spectacle. As she tapped frantically, she would pause occasionally, a frown appearing on her brow. At another time, she would laugh out hysterically, rocking back and forth on the chair with a loud yell. People turned to look. She hardly noticed, or did not care. When the waiter appeared to take our order, she was not listening. She was completely oblivious of the happenings around her. As soon as she realized I am no BB user, our conversation seemed to freeze out. I became another statistic, another face in the crowd.

But I had it coming. Since the Blackberry phone made its classy foray into the telephone consciousness of the upwardly mobile, I have been indifferent to its ability to quickly transform one's status symbol; or does it not? I have never taken myself seriously. Many years after Nokia 2110 became embarrassingly outdated, I carried mine with pomp. Recently, I walked into one of the mobile telephone shops, just as I had done in the last one year, and each time, I came out with my wallet intact.

Despite the craze that followed the introduction of the Blackberry, is it really compulsory to use one? What are the unique features of a BB, aside from instant emailing, that make it a must have for a Year One student in a university, other than the status symbol that goes with logging it around? Okay, maybe it is useful for folks who have loads of emails to answer per second. Otherwise, what is the point of a young person barely 18, paying monthly surcharges just for chatting, tweeting and facebooking? Or does it have to do with the good feeling of owning a BB?

Hello,Mr Death.

                                             

                                                  "tribute to my fallen heroes"

    To begin with, i am going to write to you in capital letters, why ?because you do things strangely so my ways with you will be strange. yeah strange. see before you start to gloat, note that i am not here to beg you, patronize you nor plead for myself ,my family or my friends. i have come to tell you a something very important, yet simple to understand. i believe you have heard this quote before ”WHAT YOU SOW,IS WHAT YOU REAP”  isnt it?

now listen and listen good, because right now i am really angry at you..so for the sake of peace listen good and if you like repent and change your ways, if you like do otherwise..it’s your damn choice, my own is just that ”WHAT YOU SOW IS WHAT YOU REAP”

you see, while i was growing up i kind of think you were a nice person because i was naïve and use to associate you name with parties and merriment…but now i know better!!

but still, i won’t claim i know you well or be on a first name basis with you, because people only meet you once. the first time it dawned on me that you are a very very bad guy was on the  23^rd of november 1991,guess what you did? you took my dad,my mentor,my hero  my guy, my mumsie’s sweetheart away…then i wrote you a letter in my mind i begged, cried, pleaded, promise you my meat during lunch break, told you i won’t  play pranks with mr amosu, mrs onabanjo, and mr tano nor hang out with shola bejide, femi daodu and rilwan layode again….but like you always do,you turned deaf ears. shio!! well that’s the worst you can do,isnt it? you  cannot, i repeat you cannot wipe his memory from my brain.you get that!!

so why am i angry? the truth is you have become too popular, i hear your name and i shudder and you are too partial…im beginning to think you are a nigerian and you accept bribe. yes you accept bribe if not why would you kill oga musa and leave jona, ib*,o*j and others.

im angry because you hate it when people are doing something meaningful with their lives…if not, why did you kill richard  olakunle tobun  some months to his wedding, why did you snuff out life out of pesu kuton at his prime,why did you take koye haastrup, dafe, aminu, raheem, segun and away when they are just starting to enjoy life,why did you take monsoor alawiye away? not forgetting evelyn obiekhena,you cut their lives short right in their prime.

why did you lay you hands on mrs amosu,just when wole made up his mind to give mommy, her first grandchild

 a beautiful granddaughter? tell me why? you never allowed yele to taste grandma’s tasty pastries.

yes i am angry at you because you cause people pains, anguish and suffering. you visited the homes of the adeniji and snached  lanre away, what were you looking for in the honfo’s household that mary sessi caught your eyes, several years ago..you caused my dear friend olu oke pain,you made pambobo weep and you brought tears to my eyes when you sneaked in and stole iya ayo from us….seriously you are a very bad guy.

i am angry because recently you brought grief upon nigeria as a nation, ….im sure you  lost count on how many souls your wicked self took away in one single day…boko haram upnorth,accident on lagos -ibadan expressway  and dana airplane crash all in one day….if you were not biased why didn’t you crash the other plane that took of from the presidential wing of mm1 that had that woman that misfire on board?

i wont let you gloat over your achievements so i will stop here…but let me ask you this.  where do you take you new acquaintance to?i heard from grapevines that it is heaven or hell.some peeps say you hang out with them for some time before you return them to earth in difrent forms

now that i have told why i am angry with,i present to you my preposition. take note this is not negotiable.so this is what you have to do for me:

firstly i do not want to see you coming..not even from a feet away..just take me in my sleep. no advance warning via any terminal disease, no suffering.

secondly, when i finally get to met you, i want my going away to be celebrated, i want it to be at a time when my absence cause no one any grief.

so guy, i believe you got my message and i also want to believe you understand me well. so i will be seeing you like 90years from now. but before then before you make any new friend i implore you to watch out for grey hairs…original o, not premature like my friend wale adedotun or fake like terry g’s own. i look forward to meeting you but seek for appointment in the next 80years surely  i will gladly grant you an audience.

be good.

My Mentor Has Lost HIS Thinking Cap.

             

                                                                       

Growing up ,I was introduced  to the column of the famous Dr Ruben Abati in the guardian newspaper by my mother who is an avid reader of his column. I caught the bug instantly and also became a loyal follower. My political arguments with my peeps as always based on what I presumed to be facts written by Dr Ruben Abati who by then had become a mentor in my quest to become a writer.

The way he finds words to that brings smiles to faces ,words that that makes you delirious with laughter at the same time pass a strong message into your thick skull amazes me.

My mentor ,was a scholar, a lecturer and a business par excellence.Dr Abati completed his phd degree at the age of 24 years when most Nigerian youths are still tied to their mother’s apron. He also lectured at the university of Benin,  department of English., among others.

He also wrote for numerous newspapers like the daily Tribune ,the Democrat and the guardian with which he became very popular, not forgetting stints with soft sell magazines like the Channel and Hints. Yes that’s my amiable mentor.

The Dr Abati of guardian newspaper fought numerous government to a standstill with intriguing and eloquent articles about governance could have sworn Dr Abati was priceless, he seems to understand the masses, their needs and expectations and on the other hand the evil and deception of every government and leaders. His well constructed, articulated facts and well-structured criticisms without fear of the government brought succour to his readers.

I was quite elated when President Goodluck Jonathan appointed him as his special assistant on media and publicity. I knew GEJ made a right choice. I believed we Nigerians will at least will get truthful first class information about how we are been governed.

Alas I was wrong, my joy was killed abrasively. The evil men at the Aso rock had their own devilish plans. They have conceived and hatched their plan on how to silence an eloquent and fearless newsman. They did the unthinkable, they stole Dr Ruben Abati’s thinking cap!!!. Or how else can one explain the transmutation that happened to Dr Abati shortly after he took up his appointment. How can I explain the Abati of the Guardian and the one at Aso rock logically? Yes they stole his thinking cap.

How can I reconcile the Dr Abati that lambasted GEJ in June 2010 on how the later got his national Honour “GCFR” to the sycophant blowing GEJ’ s trumphet in Aso rock now.

Last year the impostor in Aso rock that claims to be Dr Ruben Abati looked Nigerians in the eye told us that”there was a standing presidential protocol that during a church or mosque programme, the president has a fixed number of Amin or Amen as the case may be that he can say to prayers offered”. Unbelievable!!

Tell me how am I suppose to compare the old Dr Abati that fought governments alongside Nigerians with his numerous satires penned at his desk at Isolo to the new one at Aso rock who insults Nigerians intelligence by feeding us astronomical lies and unbelievable stories,the new one that diss and mock Nigerians at will.

Gracious God please tell me how to find Dr Abati’s thinking cap so that i can have my mentor back.

       

RAT!!!!

                                                      RATS!!!

The rats have grown wings, they have also stepped up to the global world and are year 2000 compliant. The rats in and around my house are becoming a menace and i am going to contract the services of boko haram very soon to wipe them out. Yes i need a suicide bomber to wipe them out. Stupid things!!!Guess you would be wondering what prompts this line of gist. Yeah go ahead call me a mad man ,animal killer or whatever name you might chose, who cares.....

Now let me enlighten you about rats so that you will understand my misery.

They are two types: the indoor rats and the outdoor rats....

The indoor rats, small stupid things, extremely annoying and will always disgrace you... Believe it or not they are the reasons why i am still a BACHELOR, but that story is for another day. So, I decide to EXTERMINATE them.

Imagine, I drove to the palms shopping mall,Lekki, strolled to shoprite to purchase this so called rat glue because i wanted to get the original, put the last meat in my pot (i ate my eba without meat that night) on it and placed it by the fridge to capture them...happy of my feat i went to bed, woke up early hoping to relish the sight of the idiotic rats glue to board,But alas the glue board was empty and the meat gone!!Disappeared into thin air!!!Just like that,kai,  i started suspecting my neighbours children...so i decided to set another trap, this time i went to KFC to buy chicken that night, put it on the glue, placed it by the fridge and then i went to HIDE!!!

Just before midnight, one sauntered out, looked around and waved others to come out.I swear i am not drunk o, I watched as three others bounces out, saw the big chicken lap and to my utter amazement one of them performed the “älanta” dance step while the rest clapped their hands, then they did the unbelievable, they brought out three forks and a knife..walahi i saw it with my korokoro eyes and i wasn’t drunk or dreaming..Two of them held down the glue board at the side with forks, while one cuts off the flesh of the chicken sorry, my chicken with a knife...after about 3mins or thereabout they were through devouring the chicken, what was left was BONE. Clean Bone, just the way my friend Wole Amosu will clean out a bone!! I was shocked and perplexed couldn’t even move an inch..One was even pregnant, that means they have been doing that thing in my HOUSE!!One by one they returned to their base, I was just about to shake off the shock and chase after them when the last one turned, the pregnant one, looked straight at my hiding place and WINKED...can you ever believe that..The stupid rodent winked at me!! What an effrontery. I decided there and then to LEAVE house for them or maybe I should just adopt them?

Telephone conversation with my unborn child

 

 part 2

 Telephone rings...grin grin,griiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

me: yeah,hello

Child: sup’ dada

Me:  aw many tyms hav i told u not to greet me lyk a gangstar?

Child: sowii pops,ok wagwan?

Me: i jus wish u were here,wuld’ve spanked u,now now.

Child: hehehehehe na u dey delay na.

Me: i blame u?no be ur fault.i av bin hussln up n down so dat  u wnt suffer wen u get there n all u do is to disrespect me .

Child: sowii pops,but u takin 2 long,ur fwend uncle fizzle n uncle bode both has pwetty gals i’ll luv to grow up wit!

Me: c between me n u,  both didn’t plan to have kids this early,walahi

Child: wat of uncle wole?he’s expecting a baby girl soon.abi hin sef no plan am

Me: ok,let me tell u dis,uncle Wole,Unle Bode and Uncle Flo are all older than me  twas bcos im brilliant dats why im rolln wiv them,i met them all in this world,besides  na soso girls girls dem born na,ur dada is a strong man.

Child:wat of uncle Olumide?he’s boy is cute na

Me: he is older than me lyk 4 yrs na besides na akata be hin wyf na

Child: wat of daddy Gbolahan?he has a son na

Me: who is dat?

Child:uncle bj na,d one dat stammers na.

Me :oh,dat one,em em  na long throat na but u wnt understand,c  unle yemi Akran is there  still searchn  sinz, uncle K fagbenro  hmn leave dat 1 matter,uncle mausi....well guess he’s always busy ,uncle shola bejide,  though he has a 10yr relationship he’s so still single.u want more???????pepsi,and uncle Skuri  are still rockn d town....even anty Lami sef though she’s married sha.u want me 2 name more?

Child: no no....dats enuf, anywaz,  u decided about our mother yet??

Me: hmnnn......not really but i gat moi eyz on sum1 n u knw women she’s still forming, want 2 get u beautiful mum n me pretty wyf..winks

Child: na dat anty 4 festac abi? No be next month,febuary be her birthday?

Me: maybe....u”ll knw soon and yes her birthday iz coming up soon.

Child: anybody but anty Funke  is kool,sha be  fast.

Me: yes boss, Ahmed says hi

Child: which uncle Ahmed?Skuri or that  that ur bald cousin 4 ikorodu?

Child: whatever sha,we cant wait to hook up wit’u

Me: ehn,  u and who????

Child: me n my sisters,we are triplets,2girls and a boy.

Me: oh no.......i go die o!!!!

Child:  hello, helloooooo,dadddddddddddddddddddddy

I terminate the call,switch off my phone and starts thinking.

Telephone conversation with my unborn child!!

Part 1

The beginning..............

grin grin,grin grin...phone rings...

Me: hello who’s this?

Caller: daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,its me ur son

Me: hmnn hello,son ke i neva born na

Son: its me unborn child.

Me: oh not again..wat is it this time?

Son: wetin colour ni..wats is delaying you na..Time is going n me im getting impatient o...so do quick, before  we use force on you

Me:oba iya e..is it me u’re  threatening, hen ?kai i wish u were here i would have shown u shege,.....imbroglio, obnoxious element!

Son:u can finish all English in the oxford dictionary na u sabi, just be fast  jo, see uncle Albani have married now n i know his wife is preggy

Me: hen hen  wat if Tunji is married, radio heaven na u put the belle dier....gbeborun

Son:see what ure doing is not fair o.....u think u can be enjoying alone abi...2day takwa bay,2moro suntan beach,cinema here n dier..its high time u convert the money u use in buying harp to pampers o..i almost forget sef..i wont ever forgive u for making me miss grandma’s 70^th birthday.bad guy.Even that so called uncle Newbie sef..till i see dat one sha na one on one discussion..

Me: don’t forgive mi na...infact if u don’t switch to another person,i will put u up for adoption with this ur loud mouth.

Son: hehehehheehhhhehehe.....dont go there at all,no even think am.we are your to love n cherish till death do us apart. Nonsense..except say na Angelina Jolie n Bradd Pitt go adopt us sha i no go mind.

Me:fool,Bradd Pitt ko baba Suwe ni..n by the way who are the ‘we’?

Son: shebi i was telling u the last time i called u were feinting network failure,we are Triplets n im the only boy..the ring leader sorry the eldest.

Me..wat,hello helooo

Son: cuts in......no just bring dat pattern again o..i can hear u loud n clear.no think am..olojoro daddy

Me :ok..see between me n u are u serious?

Son: yes na..u na superman na

Me: hmnnn,see this is not funny o..with the situation of ths country..to raise one child sef na die..i know how many bottles of Gulder it cost Flo in buying Eva’s pampers even Ammo sef have to quit stout because of Esperanza’s needs.talk to ur siblings na ,make una do am one after the other

Son:psheew..one by one ko..one one leg ni...by the way which kain name be espereanzi abi peperanzi....make i even warn u now no try wan do like your paddy dem give mi one yeye name o.

U dey hear now..so talk to the others me, i have to hook up with ma crew we wanna go hunt for them shorties,hehehehe..u c i’m tryn so hard to be an AFINNI in all ways.*winks*

Me: give the fone to them

Son:okies

*Phone exchanges hands n the girls came online *

Girls:daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

***************to be continued*******************