RAT!!!!

                                                      RATS!!!

The rats have grown wings, they have also stepped up to the global world and are year 2000 compliant. The rats in and around my house are becoming a menace and i am going to contract the services of boko haram very soon to wipe them out. Yes i need a suicide bomber to wipe them out. Stupid things!!!Guess you would be wondering what prompts this line of gist. Yeah go ahead call me a mad man ,animal killer or whatever name you might chose, who cares.....

Now let me enlighten you about rats so that you will understand my misery.

They are two types: the indoor rats and the outdoor rats....

The indoor rats, small stupid things, extremely annoying and will always disgrace you... Believe it or not they are the reasons why i am still a BACHELOR, but that story is for another day. So, I decide to EXTERMINATE them.

Imagine, I drove to the palms shopping mall,Lekki, strolled to shoprite to purchase this so called rat glue because i wanted to get the original, put the last meat in my pot (i ate my eba without meat that night) on it and placed it by the fridge to capture them...happy of my feat i went to bed, woke up early hoping to relish the sight of the idiotic rats glue to board,But alas the glue board was empty and the meat gone!!Disappeared into thin air!!!Just like that,kai,  i started suspecting my neighbours children...so i decided to set another trap, this time i went to KFC to buy chicken that night, put it on the glue, placed it by the fridge and then i went to HIDE!!!

Just before midnight, one sauntered out, looked around and waved others to come out.I swear i am not drunk o, I watched as three others bounces out, saw the big chicken lap and to my utter amazement one of them performed the “älanta” dance step while the rest clapped their hands, then they did the unbelievable, they brought out three forks and a knife..walahi i saw it with my korokoro eyes and i wasn’t drunk or dreaming..Two of them held down the glue board at the side with forks, while one cuts off the flesh of the chicken sorry, my chicken with a knife...after about 3mins or thereabout they were through devouring the chicken, what was left was BONE. Clean Bone, just the way my friend Wole Amosu will clean out a bone!! I was shocked and perplexed couldn’t even move an inch..One was even pregnant, that means they have been doing that thing in my HOUSE!!One by one they returned to their base, I was just about to shake off the shock and chase after them when the last one turned, the pregnant one, looked straight at my hiding place and WINKED...can you ever believe that..The stupid rodent winked at me!! What an effrontery. I decided there and then to LEAVE house for them or maybe I should just adopt them?

Now let me tell you about the outdoor ones.....DEM BROS DEM...I HAIL O!!!

The rats in the backyard are getting violent. Not the jumping about, shrieking violent, no, no…that is too underrated, I mean the silent, insane violence viewed only in the eyes and the slight nervous twitching of the head. I saw one this morning sitting in the thrash can having its breakfast. Whistling softly to myself, I at first did not notice the bright, black and beady eyes staring at me with contempt. Usually the modus operandi was for the rodents to scamper to safety at the presence of homo-sapiens. But no, this mongrel in the guise of a rat, yes a mongrel, because its size defied normal genetic profiling for rodents, it had a fresh, still bleeding scar on its head, probably from its battle to secure its throne of waste. Its mottled grey fur surrounds huge patches of bare skin. Obnoxious mucus dribbles down its twitching nose. I swallowed. Never. Never have I had to have a face off with a rat. A rat! I swallowed again.,Big painful gulps of saliva. I use the bag of waste in my hands as a mock weapon, waving it in the air at the beast. The cold insanity in its eyes shifts and is replaced by a much more frightening look; intent to add any available part of my anatomy to its five course meal ! It takes one huge step towards me. Swallowing suddenly becomes very difficult. I try to eyeball it down, after all we are the superior race? How dare this quarter foot thing assume to reshuffle the food chain? I mean…? How?

It takes another step forward, tail swinging slow and meaningful. I promptly decide to reschedule my waste disposal appointment with my thrash can and scamper back into the house, I had to lock the door, sorry wrong statement, bolt the door to feel safe, my heart pounding furiously.i was speechless scared!!!!Raaaaaaaaaaaaats.psheew!!!