Telephone conversation with my unborn child

 

 part 2

 Telephone rings...grin grin,griiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

me: yeah,hello

Child: sup’ dada

Me:  aw many tyms hav i told u not to greet me lyk a gangstar?

Child: sowii pops,ok wagwan?

Me: i jus wish u were here,wuld’ve spanked u,now now.

Child: hehehehehe na u dey delay na.

Me: i blame u?no be ur fault.i av bin hussln up n down so dat  u wnt suffer wen u get there n all u do is to disrespect me .

Child: sowii pops,but u takin 2 long,ur fwend uncle fizzle n uncle bode both has pwetty gals i’ll luv to grow up wit!

Me: c between me n u,  both didn’t plan to have kids this early,walahi

Child: wat of uncle wole?he’s expecting a baby girl soon.abi hin sef no plan am

Me: ok,let me tell u dis,uncle Wole,Unle Bode and Uncle Flo are all older than me  twas bcos im brilliant dats why im rolln wiv them,i met them all in this world,besides  na soso girls girls dem born na,ur dada is a strong man.

Child:wat of uncle Olumide?he’s boy is cute na

Me: he is older than me lyk 4 yrs na besides na akata be hin wyf na

Child: wat of daddy Gbolahan?he has a son na

Me: who is dat?

Child:uncle bj na,d one dat stammers na.

Me :oh,dat one,em em  na long throat na but u wnt understand,c  unle yemi Akran is there  still searchn  sinz, uncle K fagbenro  hmn leave dat 1 matter,uncle mausi....well guess he’s always busy ,uncle shola bejide,  though he has a 10yr relationship he’s so still single.u want more???????pepsi,and uncle Skuri  are still rockn d town....even anty Lami sef though she’s married sha.u want me 2 name more?

Child: no no....dats enuf, anywaz,  u decided about our mother yet??

Me: hmnnn......not really but i gat moi eyz on sum1 n u knw women she’s still forming, want 2 get u beautiful mum n me pretty wyf..winks

Child: na dat anty 4 festac abi? No be next month,febuary be her birthday?

Me: maybe....u”ll knw soon and yes her birthday iz coming up soon.

Child: anybody but anty Funke  is kool,sha be  fast.

Me: yes boss, Ahmed says hi

Child: which uncle Ahmed?Skuri or that  that ur bald cousin 4 ikorodu?

Child: whatever sha,we cant wait to hook up wit’u

Me: ehn,  u and who????

Child: me n my sisters,we are triplets,2girls and a boy.

Me: oh no.......i go die o!!!!

Child:  hello, helloooooo,dadddddddddddddddddddddy

I terminate the call,switch off my phone and starts thinking.

Telephone conversation with my unborn child!!

Part 1

The beginning..............

grin grin,grin grin...phone rings...

Me: hello who’s this?

Caller: daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,its me ur son

Me: hmnn hello,son ke i neva born na

Son: its me unborn child.

Me: oh not again..wat is it this time?

Son: wetin colour ni..wats is delaying you na..Time is going n me im getting impatient o...so do quick, before  we use force on you

Me:oba iya e..is it me u’re  threatening, hen ?kai i wish u were here i would have shown u shege,.....imbroglio, obnoxious element!

Son:u can finish all English in the oxford dictionary na u sabi, just be fast  jo, see uncle Albani have married now n i know his wife is preggy

Me: hen hen  wat if Tunji is married, radio heaven na u put the belle dier....gbeborun

Son:see what ure doing is not fair o.....u think u can be enjoying alone abi...2day takwa bay,2moro suntan beach,cinema here n dier..its high time u convert the money u use in buying harp to pampers o..i almost forget sef..i wont ever forgive u for making me miss grandma’s 70^th birthday.bad guy.Even that so called uncle Newbie sef..till i see dat one sha na one on one discussion..

Me: don’t forgive mi na...infact if u don’t switch to another person,i will put u up for adoption with this ur loud mouth.

Son: hehehehheehhhhehehe.....dont go there at all,no even think am.we are your to love n cherish till death do us apart. Nonsense..except say na Angelina Jolie n Bradd Pitt go adopt us sha i no go mind.

Me:fool,Bradd Pitt ko baba Suwe ni..n by the way who are the ‘we’?

Son: shebi i was telling u the last time i called u were feinting network failure,we are Triplets n im the only boy..the ring leader sorry the eldest.

Me..wat,hello helooo

Son: cuts in......no just bring dat pattern again o..i can hear u loud n clear.no think am..olojoro daddy

Me :ok..see between me n u are u serious?

Son: yes na..u na superman na

Me: hmnnn,see this is not funny o..with the situation of ths country..to raise one child sef na die..i know how many bottles of Gulder it cost Flo in buying Eva’s pampers even Ammo sef have to quit stout because of Esperanza’s needs.talk to ur siblings na ,make una do am one after the other

Son:psheew..one by one ko..one one leg ni...by the way which kain name be espereanzi abi peperanzi....make i even warn u now no try wan do like your paddy dem give mi one yeye name o.

U dey hear now..so talk to the others me, i have to hook up with ma crew we wanna go hunt for them shorties,hehehehe..u c i’m tryn so hard to be an AFINNI in all ways.*winks*

Me: give the fone to them

Son:okies

*Phone exchanges hands n the girls came online *

Girls:daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

***************to be continued*******************

WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

                                                                                         

Nigerians have attached so much to status that most of us tend to live a fake life, live on credit and claim to be what we are not, so as to be accepted into our choice societal caucus.

The type, model and year of manufacture of the car you drive matters a lot especially in an environment  like  Nigeria where every personal effect from toothbrush ,shoes, your house and even the environment  you stay is a status symbol.

There are different status level attached to different cars, hence the mad rush to acquire an automobile to feel among. Gone are the days when cars are bought according to the depth of the pocket. Cars are bought now to impress, to feel among. Funny thing is  ethnicity influences the kind of car purchased,while the Hausa men likes Honda Accord the Igbo men prefer  any Mercedes Benz so far it has a single wiper and not two.

The cars you drive determine the kind of people you attract. I have had several experiences while cruising around Lagos in my 1984 Honda accord wagon that my friends nicknamed “ambulance”.Mind you,the environment you find yourself at times matters the level of importance attached to your car.

For instance I can pose with my automobile while driving around Ajegunle, Iyanaiworo, EbutteEro, Badagry, Okoko and like metropolis but I become a nobody  when I find myself with the same car in VGC,Ikoyi,Parkview and Lekki axis. who born monkey?

Now talking about the kind of people you attract with the brand of car you use,lets break that into 3 categories.

First on the list are the Ladies (Naija babes)that has no car,not even a single tire but  will rather develop sun stroke or get soaked by the rain than hitch a ride in a weather beaten Honda.

You see,I am talking from my bitter experience,you feel like helping a beautiful sister standing under the hot sun by the road side and all you get is an insult. I stopped to offer a ride to a petite but beautiful looking girl around Unilag back gate and the following conversation took place:

Me: hi,where are you heading under this scorching sun?

Lady: how is that your business?

Me: just thought I should give you a lift if you are heading my way.

Lady: what makes you think I would enter this  ’thing’ you call a car? Ac sefyour car no get,abegwakafaaaaaaaar.psheew.

Can you imagine that? Plenty insult just because I wanted to be a good Nigerian.

Second on my list are the beggars and street hawkers,who said a begger has no choice? Not the ones on Victoria island or lekki roadthough.I was cruising my car as usual on Victoria Island and the traffic light just before AjoseAdeogun roundabout stopped me,I noticed a beggar begging the driver of the range rover sport in front of me,the occupants ignored him and he moved towards me,I frantically searched for change to give him but Lo and behold the beggar walked past me to the next car which was a BMW 6 series, I beckoned on him to come take the little I have to offer but the dude just hissed and told me”oga you no get the kind money wey I deyfind,use your sssN20 buy pure water,see as you dey sweat”.I was flabbergasted, embarrassed and dismayed.

The street hawkers decide which car they sell or advertise their wares to,often times my car only attract rat poison hawkers, pure water sellers and their likes,the ones that sell slimming equipment’s, car seat covers and even assorted fruit hawkers don’t even bother to look at me twice,they prefer chasing and disturbing occupants of posh cars like Honda accord 2013,G wagon etc.

Lastly the commuters, this set  of people annoys me a lot, you will pity stranded commuters  on the road and give them a ride to their destination or at least get them close to their destination and the next thing is they ask you how or much is the fare, some might even appoint themselves as conductors and start collecting transport fare on your behalf, At times I will be driving on my own “jejely” and they will be flagging me down shouting taxi, taxi or various destination  do I look like a cab man or does my car resemble a kabukabu? It has become a daily occurrence with the ban on okada on lagos  highways.Cant they recognise taxi’s again? Seriously, I think I have to inscribe “this is not a cab or taxi” on my car abi wetin una think?